Are you raising ‘cool’ kids?

After the recent brouhaha over the comments made by Mike Jeffries, CEO of Abercrombie and Fitch, I’ve been thinking again about the anatomy of cool, the pressure that kids feel to be cool (i.e. popular), and how that status if often given to those who dress well and look good.

Strangely, I actually feel lucky that my kids are growing up now and not back in the ’80s when I was a teenager. I could be wrong, but it seems like “cool” was a little more tightly defined and little less inclusive back then. Perhaps thanks in part to YouTube and reality TV, life in the 2013 often feels like a slogan I recently saw on a billboard: “Ordinary is the new rock star.” Sure, we’re still celebrity obsessed, but the definition of celebrity has broadened in some respects, and I think that means the definition of cool has too.

Maybe the ball started rolling in 1984 with the movie “Revenge of the Nerds,” but it wasn’t until the dot-com boom of the ’90s that mega-nerds Bill Gates and Steve Jobs truly redefined cool. (Think “geek squad” and “genius bar.” ) Then there’s the formerly uncool musicians of yesteryear who are successfully making orchestra look cooler than ever.

Don’t believe me?

Check out this.

And this.

And this.


From computers to orchestra to crocheting, things that were previously uncool are now as widely celebrated. Not only is ordinary the new rock star, but variety is as well. Many teens today refuse the notion that there is a “right” way to look or act in order to be cool. The almost manic push in our country to embrace diversity has created many unseen advantages.

But even if the circle of cool really is widening, these types of comments from influential people like Mike Jeffries are still maddening. Personally, I’ve made a conscious effort not to encourage my children to seek popularity through their clothing and looks. (This, coming from a former Homecoming Princess.) Sure, I think it’s important for them to look their best and feel good about themselves, but more than anything I want them to be smart, kind, creative and honest. If that wins them popularity, so be it, but I will not be the mom who encourages my kids to seek popularity through a pair of designer jeans. Frankly, I think it’s shallow.

I suppose you could argue that beauty and fashion are a hobby for some people just like technology, music, gardening or biking is for others. That’s fair. But I also think it’s fair to say that mothers who dish out a lot of money for their kids to buy clothing from “cool” stores like A&F just so they will fit in may be inadvertently sending their kids (and the kids around them) the wrong message. Part of the reason Mike Jeffries’ words are so horrific is because we recognize the truth in them; everyone knows what the cool and popular kids “look” like. And if we all know what the shallow definition of cool and popular “looks” like, then maybe we could work together to tone down that message by spending less time and money trying to make our kids look “cool” and more of our time ad money helping them find personal satisfaction in working hard, getting good grades, improving their talents, and serving people in need.

My ultimate dream (and I know this is totally pie-in-the-sky) defines the cool and popular crowd as the nicest and most accepting, not the best dressed or best looking. The unfortunate but often true stereotype about the cool and popular crowd is that they aren’t always the most kind and accepting, and it’s just sad when those kinds of people are popular. I love the idea of a movement to redefine cool and popular just like Dove is trying to redefine beauty. I would make Smart and Good the Homecoming King and Queen every time.

Yes, I know it’s a free country and people can wear whatever they want, and I also acknowledge that dressing well and looking good doesn’t necessarily mean you are shallow and heartless. I guess I’m just trying to make the point that as mothers we have a lot of influence over how our children value themselves and others, and I would hope that we’re working as a team to cultivate the same message: More than clothing, looks, weight, skin color, or any other superficial characteristic, love and acceptance is way cool.

QUESTION: What kind of “cool” kids are you raising? How do you keep them grounded?

CHALLENGE: Have a discussion with your kids about what they think it means to be cool.


  1. Hannah

    While the “cool” kids may get defined as popular, in my experience the truly popular kids — the kids that everyone likes —are a very different set of kids. These kids are truly popular because they are kind & friendly with everyone and so everyone likes them in return. While there are hopefully exceptions, the “cool” kids are really only liked by their own circle of friends; it may seem that everyone knows who they are, but they aren’t truly popular.

  2. Heather

    I agree with Hannah. In my high school (yes, 20 years ago), there were the kids who were the “cool” kids. They were dressed in the trendiest clothes, and were the athletic or dance superstars. But when it came to the kids voting for their senior class and student council officers, my nice, smart, inclusive group of friends won over the “cool” kids in every case but one. That was when I realized that the kids who I always thought were “popular” really weren’t.

  3. Jeanie

    When our kids were 8-12 years old we began talking to the about the illusion of clothes (expensive, poorly-made, immodest brand names, not generally nice clothing) giving a person perceived worth. We tried to catch them at an age before clothes became a real issue and our opinions mattered less than their peers.

    We seem to have succeeded. One day my daughter came home laughing. She had overheard a conversation between two girls at school. One girl was complaining that her dad would not buy her a name brand pair of ripped jeans. She said he told her he would buy a pair of inexpensive jeans and rip them for her. My daughter said this girl rolled her eyes and continued, “But I told him I wanted ones that are professionally ripped!”

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